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Just For Fun Look for a new Something at the top of this page each week. Divine Advice A businessman was in a great deal of trouble. His business was failing, he had put everything he had into the business, he owed everybody it was so bad he was even contemplating suicide. As a last resort he went to a pastor and poured out his story of tears and woe. When he had finished, the pastor said, "Here's what I want you to do, put a beach chair and your Bible in your car and drive down to the beach. Take the beach chair and the Bible to the water's edge, sit down in the beach chair, and put the Bible in your lap. Open the Bible; the wind will rifle the pages, but finally the open Bible will come to rest on a page. Look down at the page and read the first thing you see. That will be your answer, that will tell you what to do." A year later the businessman went back to the pastor and brought his wife and children with him. The man was in a new custom- tailored suit, his wife in a mink coat, the children shining. The businessman pulled an envelope stuffed with money out of his pocket and gave it to the pastor as a donation in thanks for his advice. The pastor recognized the benefactor, and was curious. "You did as I suggested?" he asked. "Absolutely," replied the businessman. "You went to the beach?" "Absolutely." "You sat in a beach chair with the Bible in your lap?" "Absolutely." "You let the pages rifle until they stopped?" "Absolutely." "And what were the first words you saw?" "Chapter 11." 91 I turned 91 years old today and a few changes have come into my life. Frankly, I've become a frivolous old gal. I have been seeing five men everyday. As soon as I wake up, Will Power helps me get out of bed. Then he leaves, and I go to see John. Then Charley Horse comes along and he sure takes a lot of my time. When he leaves, Arthur Ritis shows up and stays the rest of the day. He doesn't like to stay in one place, so he takes me from Joint to Joint. After such a busy day, I am really tired and glad to go to bed with Ben Gay. You are in a room with no windows and no doors, just two halves of a table, how would you get out? Put the two halves together to make a whole. Greece Do you know where Greece came from? It oozed out of Turkey. Highest Bid The bidding was proceeding furiously and strong when the Chief Auctioneer suddenly announced, “A gentleman in this room has lost a wallet containing ten thousand dollars. If returned, he will pay a reward of two thousand dollars. There was a moment’s silence in the auction house and from the back of the room came a cry: “Two thousand five hundred” Quick Exercise for the Mind Carry out this test; it's quite bizarre. Just follow the instructions as quickly as possible but only one question at a time. Do not carry on reading the following questions before you finish the previous one. You do NOT need to write the answers OR remember them - just do it using your mind. You'll be surprised by the result. How much is: 15+6 3+56 89+2 12+53 75+26 25+52 63+32 I know! Calculations are hard work but this is the real thing! The last one.. 123+5 QUICK! THINK ABOUT A TOOL AND A COLOR! Scroll further to the bottom.... Just a little further...... You have just thought about a red hammer, haven't you? If this is not the case, you are among the people who have a "different" mind. Most folks answer a "red hammer" while doing this exercise. -- found at MountainWings.com "Nasty Peanuts!" As a pastor was visiting an elderly lady in the hospital he noticed a bowl of peanuts by her bed. He began to nibble the peanuts as they visited and by the end of the visit realized he had consumed the entire bowl. Feeling badly he bought a bag and brought them to her the next day. As he gave them to her he explained they were to replace those he'd eaten the day before. "Why you didn't need to do that Pastor", the lady explained. "The thing is, I don't have any teeth, so when my nephew brings me chocolate-covered peanuts. Well, I just suck the chocolate off and spit the peanuts in the bowl." TERRORISTS IN THE CHURCH: URGENT News reports are that five terrorist cell groups have been operating in many of our churches. They have been identified as: Bin Sleepin, Bin Arguin, Bin Fightin, Bin Complainin,and Bin Missin. Their leader, Bin Lucifer, trained these groups to destroy the Body of Christ. However, there have been reports of a sixth group. A tiny cell known by the name Bin Prayin is actually the only effective counter terrorism force in the church. Unlike other terrorist cells, the Bin Prayin team does not blend in with whomever and whatever comes along. Bin Prayin does whatever is needed to uplift and encourage the Body of Christ. We have noticed that the Bin Prayin cell group has different characteristics than the others. They have Bin Watchin, Bin Waitin, Bin Fastin, and Bin Longin for their Master, Jesus Christ to return. Lot's Wife The Sunday School teacher was describing that when Lot's wife looked back at Sodom she turned into a pillar of salt, when Bobby interrupted. "My mommy looked back once while she was driving," he announced, "and she turned into a telephone pole." "Fathers" If it's true that girls are inclined to marry men like their fathers, it is understandable why so many mothers cry so much at weddings. "Lonely Child" Sandy began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other. Sandy approached and asked if she was all right. The girl said she was. A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself. Approaching again, Sandy offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?" The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman suspiciously. Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?" "Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie!" "Atheist" Joke The story is told of the Atheist who accosted a preacher. "Do you believe in eternal life?" The preacher has no time to reply. "Well its a load of rubbish!" shouted the Atheist. "I believe in science, evolution, survival of the fittest, and when we die, that's it! No eternal life, no great judgement, and no God!" The Atheist continues his assault against the preacher repetitiously and tirelessly. "Eternal life! Eternal life! Ha! "Its all pie in the sky when you die." When I die that's it, the end, no eternal life, no nothing. He continues, until he reaches his climax, "I will be buried six feet under when I die and that's it! Nothing! Caput! When I die I am utterly convinced that that will be the end of me!" "Well thank God for that" replies the preacher! Complaining A customer was bothering the waiter in a restaurant. First, he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour. Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn't throw out the pest. "Oh, I really don't care or mind," said the waiter with a smile. "We don't even have an air conditioner." Train Switching Interview Joe arrived early to the train switching yard where trains are routed and set on different tracks. Tom, the Train Switching Manager starts the interview and asks: What would you do if two trains are on the same track coming towards each other? Joe answers: I’ll go over and pull the switching lever and get one train on another track so they can pass safely. Ok, Tom says, What would you do if the switch handle is broken off? Joe: Well I would get the piece of steel over there by the shed and jamb it in the switch and use that as the lever. Ok good! Tom. What would you do if the switch lever is broken? Well, I would pick up the phone and call the main office and get them to switch it from there! Ok, very good! Tom: What would you do if no one answers the phone? Well, then I would call my cousin Vinny at the fire department and tell him to get down here right away. Tom: What good would that be? Well, he’s never seen two trains collide. Seeing Eye Dog A blind man with a seeing eye dog at his side walks into a grocery store. The man walks to the middle of the store, picks up the dog by the tail, and starts swinging the dog around in circles over his head. The store manager, who has seen all this, thinks this is quite strange. So, he decides to find out what's going on. The store manager approaches the blind man swinging the dog and says, "Pardon me. May I help you with something." The blind man says, "No thanks. I'm just looking around." ANSWERED PRAYER? After starting a new diet, I altered my drive to town to avoid passing my favorite bakery. I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning and there in the window was a host of my favorite goodies. I felt this was no accident, so I prayed, "Lord, it's up to you... if you want me to have any of those delicious goodies, create a parking place for me directly in front of the bakery." And sure enough, He answered my prayer. On the eighth time around the block, there it was! RETARDED GRANDPARENTS ( this is an actual story reported by a teacher) After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school. One child wrote the following: We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida. Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on their bicycles and wear nametags because they don't know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now and do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool too, but in it, they all jump up and down with hats on. At their gate, there is a dollhouse with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out and go cruising in their golf carts. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night ------early birds. Some of the people can't get out past the man in the dollhouse. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center and call it pot luck. My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too. When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the dollhouse. Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren. A daddy was listening to his child say his prayer "Dear Harold". At this, dad interrupted and said, "Wait a minute, "How come you called God,"Harold"? The little boy looked up and said, "That's what they call Him in church. You know the prayer we say, "Our Father, who art in Heaven, Harold be Thy name." Another particular four-year-old prayed: "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets." Everything I need to know about life, I learned from Noah's Ark... One: Don't miss the boat. Two: Remember that we are all in the same boat. Three: Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark. Four: Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big. Five: Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done. Six: Build your future on high ground. Seven: For safety's sake, travel in pairs. Eight: Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs. Nine: When you're stressed, float a while. Ten: Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals. Eleven: No matter the storm, when you are with God, there's always a rainbow waiting. For all of us who are---seniors--- for all of you who know seniors--- and for all of you who will be seniors. It pays to be able to laugh about it when you are a senior! 'Where Is My Paper?' The irate customer calling the newspaper offices, loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was. 'Ma'am, said the employee, today is Saturday.The Sunday paper is not delivered 'til Sunday.' There was quite a pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition. 'So that's why no one was in church today.' A little boy's prayer. "Dear God, please take care of my daddy and my mommy and my sister and my brother and my doggy and me. Oh, please take care of yourself, God. If anything happens to you, we're gonna be in a big mess." Subject: Talk about privacy!!! Just saw this, Unbelievable! Now you can see anyone's Driver's License on the Internet, Including your own. I just searched for mine and there it was picture and all. Maybe we should start up a petition or something protecting this. What do you think? Go to the Website and check it out. It's unbelievable! Just enter your name, city and state to see if yours is on file. After your license comes on screen, click the box marked: "please remove." http://www.license.shorturl.com WHAT ABOUT THOSE GOOD OLD DAYS? These instructions of a Pioneer Mother to her daughter on how to wash clothes might give us second thoughts: 1. Build a fire in backyard to heat kettle of rain water. 2. Set tubs so smoke won't blow in eyes if wind is present. 3. Shave whole cake lye soap in boiling water. 4. Sort things making 3 piles, one pile of white, one pile of colored, and one pile of rags and britches. 5. Stir flour in cold water to smooth for starch, and then thin down with boiling water. 6. Rub dirty spots on board, then boil. Rub colored but don't boil. 7. Take white things out of kettle lifting with broom handle, then rinse, blue and starch. 8. Spread tea towels on grass. 9. Hang old rags on fence. 10. Pour rinse water in flower bed. 11. Scrub porch with soapy water. 12. Scrub privey seat and floor with soapy water caught from porch floor. 13. Turn tubs upside down. 14. Go put on clean dress. Smooth hair with side combs. Brew up tea, sit and rest a spell, and count your blessings. 91 I turned 91 years old today and a few changes have come into my life. Frankly, I've become a frivolous old gal. I have been seeing five men everyday. As soon as I wake up, Will Power helps me get out of bed. Then he leaves, and I go to see John. Then Charley Horse comes along and he sure takes a lot of my time. When he leaves, Arthur Ritis shows up and stays the rest of the day. He doesn't like to stay in one place, so he takes me from Joint to Joint. After such a busy day, I am really tired and glad to go to bed with Ben Gay. ANSWERED PRAYER? After starting a new diet, I altered my drive to town to avoid passing my favorite bakery. I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning and there in the window was a host of my favorite goodies. I felt this was no accident, so I prayed, "Lord, it's up to you... if you want me to have any of those delicious goodies, create a parking place for me directly in front of the bakery." And sure enough, He answered my prayer. On the eighth time around the block, there it was! RETARDED GRANDPARENTS ( this is an actual story reported by a teacher) After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school. One child wrote the following: We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida. Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on their bicycles and wear nametags because they don't know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now and do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool too, but in it, they all jump up and down with hats on. At their gate, there is a dollhouse with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out and go cruising in their golf carts. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night ------early birds. Some of the people can't get out past the man in the dollhouse. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center and call it pot luck. My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too. When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the dollhouse. Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren. Pecans In The Cemetery On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence. Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls." The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..." The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord." Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord. At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done." They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the boy on the bike. ...found at MountainWings.com

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